I’ll be honest, even sitting in the middle of the Duke Nuke Forever both at PAX, playing the actual game with an actual controller on an actual screen, I still felt like maybe this was just a really elaborate practical joke on everyone. DNF couldn’t possibly be really coming out, right? With over a decade of storied history behind it, the game that went from sequel to vaporware to punchline just seemed like something that was never going to really exist.
Well, exist it does, and maybe that’s not such a good thing.
My time with the game was brief, encompassing separate, short sections. The first set the tone right away by starting Duke at a urinal and having me use it for its intended purpose. From there, I moved into a locker room full of Earth soldiers, with a fun little bonus involving a planning whiteboard. Picking up the different colored pens, I could pretty much doodle to my heart’s content on the board. After that, I picked up some guns, headed through some soldier-filled hallways, and emerged in the middle of a stadium to face off with a giant Cycloid. This battle, while impressive in size and setting, left a lot to be desired in terms of interest. With no cover to speak of, and set in a giant open area, my only real tactic was to circle-strafe around the giant, firing rockets at its back to do some extra damage. The Cycloid had a lot of health, but was slow with its attacks and never put me in much danger. When I ran out of ammo, I simply had to run to a nearby flare to pick up an “airdrop” of more rockets.
After finishing the fight, it was revealed that the Cycloid fight wasn’t the game at all, but actually – surprise! – a game-within-the-game that Duke was playing while he lounged around his luxurious home with his “sexy” twins. “Was it good, Duke?” they ask. “It damn well better be after twelve years,” he grouses in response. And that, folks, is your zinger right there. Sadly, the joke falls a little flat when what you just played really wasn’t that good at all.
The second section of the demo had me driving a dune-buggy through some desert canyons while aliens took pot shots at me and boulders rolled down from on high. The car controls were clunky, and the entire drive felt like something out of an FPS from years gone by; drive-squash-dodge does not make for the most compelling action these days. After running out of gas, I was switched back to the normal first-person perspective and set about exploring the desert/shooting a lot of pig-men/throwing barrels.
Overall, the word that kept coming to mind as I played the demo was dated. The controls felt dated, the graphics felt dated, and the level/puzzle design felt uninspired and dated. But, most importantly, what really felt dated was the humor. I was 17 years old when Duke Nukem 3D came out; now, 15 years later, it’s become rather obvious that maybe what could earn a chuckle out of me back then just can’t quite cut it these days. Sure, Duke is still gruff and misogynistic, but piss jokes and boobies just aren’t enough to compel me to sit through a seemingly shoddy game.
If Duke Nukem Forever had come out 12 years ago when it was supposed to, I’d probably be very excited about it right now. But here, in the year 2011, it just feels like a relic from a different time, designed for an audience I am no longer a part of. Maybe the guy who is still clutching his EB Games pre-order receipt from 1998 will still be interested in Duke Nuke Forever, but for me, I’d rather remember it as was: the best joke in gaming.