<5-6 months ago…>

JFeeser:  Oh man.  They’re  making ANOTHER 50 Cent game, and it’s him blowing up terrorists or something this time, instead of drug dealers.
JHaddock:  That sounds fantastically bad.
JFeeser:  Hey, you never know, it could be good! <snicker>
JHaddock:  You’re an idiot.
JFeeser:  Don’t worry, I’ll eat my hat if this game actually comes out.  I don’t even own a hat.  I’ll go out, buy one, and eat it.

<1 week ago…>

JFeeser:  Hey, remember how i thought that ridiculous sounding 50 Cent game wasn’t coming out?  Turns out it is.
JHaddock:  Well, you should review it.  I know how you like terrible games.  Could make good humor-fodder.
JFeeser:  Well, since you put it that way….

I played through Blood on the Sand with every intention of making a humorously scathing review that you, dear reader, could use to give yourself a laugh.  Did the game live up to my expectations?  Read on to find out…

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m going to admit right here at the top of the article:  I wanted this game to be bad.  I mean, really bad.  So bad that I could tear it apart in a scathingly humorous fashion and get a good comedic article out of it.  My biggest worry in this regard was that the game would be aggressively mediocre, and that I’d have nothing to write about at all.  However, the game didn’t live up to its end of the bargain on this front.  As a matter of fact, I was completely taken off guard when after I finished the first level, I couldn’t wait for the second to start.  I actually found myself enjoying the game.

Now I’ll be the first to say, Gears of War this game ain’t.  However, Swordfish Studios has actually come up with a very solid cover-shooting action game.  What really got me wanting to review the game in the first place was the game’s completely ludicrous premise, which goes a little something like this:

50 Cent and G-Unit, rappers extraordinaire, have been invited to bring their own special brand of hip-hop to an unnamed middle-eastern country, which I will hereafter refer to as “Fake-istan”.  Fiddy and his crew take the stage, resplendent (for some reason) in full military garb, complete with bulletproof vests, and enough weaponry to level a small town.  The crew rocks the joint, and, in the tradition of rappers, goes off to get their paper.  Predictably, the concert promoter has no paper to give Fiddy, but instead offers him a diamond encrusted skull worth millions of dollars.  But before Fiddy can take his skull and leave, the skull is stolen, leaving him unpaid for his gig. Now at this point, normal people would cut their losses and go home.  But Fiddy?  He tools up, hooks up with a mercenary unit and goes blasting across the great deserts of Fake-istan to get back his skull, bust up some terrorist groups/criminal organizations/corrupt military contractors and get paid.

So with that amazingly absurd introduction behind me, I began playing the game, which, admittedly, has taken more than a few notes from Gears of War.  The game takes place in a third person perspective, following over the shoulder of Fiddy, and all of the standard cover-shooter rules apply.  Pressing a button will make 50 hide behind the nearest wall or embankment, and holding down another will make him lean out to shoot.  In addition to the Gears nods, the game also borrows part of its shooting mechanic from The Club.  Every enemy you kill starts a “kill timer”, which counts down from about 3 seconds.  If you kill another enemy within this time, your multiplier goes up and the clock starts again.  Keep the multiplier going for absurdly large bonuses, which you use to get medals at the end of each level.  Medals are awarded based on your final tally for the level, and rank from bronze (which you can get basically just by getting through the level) to gold (a score that pretty much requires you to keep the multiplier at max the whole way, a truly herculean task).  Getting better medals doesn’t really do too much in terms of getting unlock-ables or anything other than bragging rights, but it goes a long way to adding replay value to the game.

Speaking of unlock-ables, there’s a lot here that is available for the gamer perfectionist.  Weapons, taunts, and counter-kills are available in several “arms dealer” spots throughout each level, which can be purchased with money obtained through murdering and looting throughout the rest of the game.  In addition, fulfilling various objectives throughout the game also unlocks development art and 50 Cent music videos that can be viewed from the main menu.

Last but not least, I’d like to talk a little bit about the replayability of the game.  Unfortunately, this game falls into the list of games that I like to call “you could play it again, but why would you want to?” – There’s really not much here unless you’re a real completionist.  In that case, the game has a lot to offer.  In addition to the aforementioned unlock-ables, each level section also contains five posters to find, and five targets to shoot, hidden throughout the map.  Getting all five awards extra points, which can be used for the elusive silver and gold medals.  Unfortunately, there’s not too much here for us non-completionists, in that once you’ve finished the game, there’s really no reason to go back through a second time.  More weapons can be unlocked for use, but considering you can finish the game with the weapons you start the game with, it’s not really necessary, and given the “well, so we did that” ending, there’s no real motivation to go through the game more than once.

All in all, 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is a surprisingly fun game, and if you can get past the fact that you’re playing a game starring a rapper (and if you can’t, shame on you), give it a rent, or add it to your Gamefly list.  I can’t out and out recommend a purchase, given the fact that once through is pretty much enough to get all you need from the game, and once through will take less than 8 hours, but it definately deserves a rent over a weekend.  Besides, if you don’t play this game, it will piss off 5o Cent, and if this game has taught me anything, if you piss off 50 Cent, he knows about a hundred ways to kill you.